In Memory

This is post number 42; as Cookie so elegantly put it, the death certificate post.

The number 42 carries a few memories.There was this thing in Year 9 (which carried on in to early year 10) where 42 was supposedly stalking me - appearing in math problems/answers, page numbers, and even THE TIME. Then there was the Coldplay song "42", which I also remember singing to entertain Cookie when climbing down a steep hill on the Duke of Ed hike. Actually, come to think of it, Cookie is probably the only person who was in on the 42 conspiracy. ^_^

There are so many memories, scattered over the course of time, buried underneath the weight of my life and discarded to focus on the present. To remember everything clearly is to know what you've done and what you are going to do, what you have felt and how your feelings have changed, but in the daily grind of life, can you possibly retain everything, can you find the solitude to remember? As this blog has progressed I have saved many memories, that will in turn trigger others upon reading them. Yet some of the vaguer parts may hold no significance to anyone but me. Well, this IS officially the last post here, so I thought, why don't I change that?

If you look back through all my blog posts, you will find that there are some amendments in RED to either clarify or expand on what I have already written. Look out for them, you might come across some interesting and surprising information. (if Bec is reading this, er, good luck. ^_^)

A few closing matters...the old banner can be found here, at my (VERY) inactive deviantart account. http://smudgestick.deviantart.com/art/Stormpool-57922494

This blog is titled "Statement of Disclosure", and at some point I posted a poem with the very same title. That poem was written way before I made this blog, and it's basically where I got the title. But what about the URL, pacesinspaces? Well, now that I mention it...

Here it is, the pièce de résistance.

Paces in Spaces

And by the witching hour, so she stood beneath the railings

To contemplate a compensated claim of dire insomnia

In doing so she noticed tersely as the shadows drew

They pulled away the curtains on the night sky of dark blue

To satisfy themselves and to obey the march of time

Themselves incredibly bound and ebbing by the rising tide

Which swept away her troubles like a cold, wet cloth

As she envisioned something different for herself

And painted her thoughts on a canvas, but only

To watch the colours run down the sink

And in doing so, she found she couldn’t think

Of the time when she slipped at the doorstep,

Stone cold, and found her face again where she had never known,

On a steamy summer’s afternoon, where her memories were engraved

In gold, yet still permitting for obsessed and endless plights

Strangely similar to some certain shadowy nights

Where the truth would never unfold.
-----

Thanks for reading, everyone. I'll see you on The Open Page. =)

Grounding

In the month since I announced hiatus, I have had one of the most intense month(and a half)s ever. Just as well that I invoked a hiatus, otherwise who knows what crap I could have said. I've experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Here within this post these things shall be calmly recounted and reflected apon. =P

Camp was a roller coaster, not because of what happened at camp, but because of what happened before camp. Lets just say, I made a mistake. From post "Dephased", on March 21, 2009: 

My mind plays on insecurities in my head, and they seem to take root as easily as I dream them up. To quote Radiohead (again):
" My thoughts are misguided
And a little naive..." - Myxomatosis (Judge, Jury and Executioner).

That's pretty much what happened here, but the insecurities were started by something that someone said. I then said something that made things very, very awkward. No, it wasn't THAT kind of awkward. But anyway, the entire incident managed to keep me distracted for the entire camp. Thanks to a bunch of my friends, I managed to fix things up. And it only gets better from there on in, although my distraction cost me peer support leadership, I swear. =P

I used to be drained by things that I didn't control, but now I've found that I've exhausted myself. I've been trying awfully hard to change things - friendships, reputation, performance - half of the times succeeding, the other half falling flat on my face. This year, nothing was set in stone. So in 2010, I'm going to take it easy, go on cruise control. This doesn't mean that I'll stop following my desires and ambitions, but that I won't be ramming into every opportunity I see.

I've taken it upon myself to organise the Baulko Bulletin, and I've even tried to break into the SRC and Peer Support (well actually according to Mrs Robinson I was a shoe-in for Peer Support, anyway...). But I've realised that there are different ways I can make my mark. Different, less taxing ways. But I'm still in charge Baulko Bulletin, so I'm thinking I'll put someone else in charge after a few months. Just don't tell anyone. =P

So, moving on, drama night, like last year, wasn't much fun until we actually did the real performance. Apathy was the mood in rehearsals, and boy were the rehearsals long. But the end result was seriously awesome. It felt way too short though, and as a symbolic end to drama for the year, many people were sorry that they weren't taking drama next year. It was exhilarating but sad. And what more, I got a friendly word from someone I've considered to be an enemy for quite some time.

Days followed, less and less people turned up at school, but my group of friends seemed determined to come just to hang out. Now, this is why I love you all. It's mostly a blur, but a very pleasant one. Notable events were mufti/santa day, and several trips to the pool. And then, there was a drama party, where less than half of the class showed up.

Then, the lead up to graduation assembly, where I got a series of texts from, lets just say, an old friend (the ambiguity levels in this post are completely off the chart. ^_^). I can't begin to say how much that made my day. Surprised me a little, that's for sure. And if you've been following this blog, you know how much I love surprises. Thanks. =)

Graduation assembly comes and goes, and for the next few days everyone is telling me how their parents are fans of my singing. XD
Not to mention all the positive feedback I got from you guys yourselves. Thank you so much. It was such a great day. The high from after the performance never went down, because I had a completely awesome time with Sneha, Bec and Durga and Sid. Messing around in the library with *ahem* certain books aimed at teenagers. Congregating around Bec's laptop, talking absolute nonsense. Counting the number of times Robert Pattison appeared in a copy of S-Press that I picked up from the library, then turning to a poster for "Where the Wild Things Are", where Kausthub comes in and says that the wild thing is also Robert Pattison, before reading the tagline, "there's one in all of us". Giving out and receiving christmas cards, lots of hugs. Ah, this is the life.

Formal was absolutely great, although I do wish that Sean (and James) would have gotten in to it a bit more. Y'know, seize the opportunity. But they just sat there. Don't like dancing, fine...
But anyway, it was still great, especially when you have Praween constantly getting you to dance like MJ...and winning best male dancer because of it. So. Much. Fun. And then the day after, going to a movie. Perfect.

It's not difficult to notice that this post gets less philosophical as I type up the better parts of the month. When you're happy, or thinking about something that made you happy, there's so much less on your mind. It's a pity that bad things are often more memorable, lingering on in your mind because you find them to difficult to get over (is that just me? post your answer). But I'm making a conscious effort to stop the trend.

Well anyway, this is the way to end a year. After going through all that turbulence (read: entire blog. XD), everything has finished nicely. What with the rate at which things went back and forth, from good to bad ad infinitum, I could say that it's been difficult to learn anything from this year. But one thing I have realised is that I love my friends even more than my family. Know this, and respect it.

Enjoy 2010 everyone. =)

Downtime

I have to say, this blog takes a lot out of me.

It's sucks the life out of me, much like the picture at the top of the page (and that wasn't an intentional design choice). Often keeps me up late at night to work on finishing posts. How ironic then, that on my blog I complain about sleep deprivation.

When I write something, I go through a very long thought process, and by the time I'm done writing about an issue, my mind thinks that its resolved. It's counteractive. It just pulls out my desire to act.

And I swear, by typing some of the things I put in my blog, I inadvertently kill so many potential conversations. I talk about so many things here, so of course, you wouldn't ever have the need to talk to me about them. Furthermore, I can't gauge a reaction to things I say here when nobody replies. Silence is painful.

27/01/2010: Or more like, a lack of trust and initiative is painful. It was somewhat unfounded really, but hey, everyone needs a breather every now and then.

These next few weeks are going to be extremely important. Camp, graduation assembly, formal, you name it.
Thus, I am announcing a hiatus from this blog until end of term. In fact, it's quite possible that my hiatus will become indefinite. Sure, I have gone a month without posting before, so how is this any different? In most cases, I'm typing up a draft. But for this space of time, I am not going to do anything here.

This is my 40th post, if I've counted correctly. Here's to.

Convergence...Again.

Times are hard and we're the last in line
'Cause in my grief I'd forgotten what was mine
No, I wouldn't change a thing
No, I, no, I
No, I wouldn't change a thing
About the way you are
The distance here
The speed so far

Let Me Give the World To You - Smashing Pumpkins

I think we should all ignore my previous two posts. Incidentally, they made me sound extremely messed up. I suppose I have a knack for channelling my blog into whatever suits my dramatic interest. Emotion without cause, sentiments without explanation, an overriding compulsion to stay relevant to the contrived title...I could go on.

Actually, on another note, the post titled "Convergence/Reflection" was just a poetry dump. The convergence title wasn't relevant at all. It was just an idea that I had that I wanted to use for a while. So many times, I come up with these awesome words that describe my state of mind, but then fail to capture it in my writing. But enough of that, I'm becoming increasingly self-referential.

Change course. In the space of a few years, roles are reversed. Friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Friends become close, friends drift apart. Back and forth. In and out. Life becomes a drama. Characters moving on their separate paths collide in ways unimaginable. And depart in similar fashion. Life is characterised by defining moments, shaping ways of thinking, friendships, hopes and fears. And we can only wonder what our actions will culminate in.

And out of seemingly nowhere, does it ever occur to you that there are so many things that a person can mention, but never even speak of again?

"Classes will dull your mind, destroy the potential for authentic creativity"

John Nash

There's something I just want to say. The person who said it most probably won't read this, but in my mind that's not the important part. Something along the lines of...

"Guys don't understand that when a female wants a hug, you should get up and hug them".
Alright, I've just made a mess of the original wording, but honestly, stuff like that gets to me. I do understand things like that, it's just that I don't do anything about them.

Now, from a previous post...

"I had a dream. A dream about somebody I swear I don't even know. Or at least I don't remember knowing them. They were inviting me to come and see a movie."

I didn't really describe it in detail, but that's not important. Some time on the weekend I had a dream and that cinema was in it for some reason. And in the dream, somehow I gathered that it was Carlo Court. Keep in mind, I've never been there, so I have no idea. Anyway, the very same day, I go on facebook, and one of the first posts I see is someone's status update, and it mentions Carlo Village. Now, I know they're not the same thing, but come on. That is just insane. To my relief, there is NO cinema in Carlo Court.

"I want magic! Yes, yes, magic. I try to give that to people. I do misrepresent things. I don't tell truths. I tell what ought to be truth."

A Streetcar Named Desire

Fin.

A Start

No, I won't let this blog die. 27/01/2010: *ahem*  But do I have anything new to say? 
Lately I've been obsessing over the past. One can still find new things in the past. But that it is difficult, nigh impossible without documentation. I only started paying attention to things in detail maybe a year ago. It's difficult to compare a thing in the present to something in the past you weren't really concentrating on at the time.


So then. I want to know. What you remember of me from Year 9?

I understand that you might not be inclined to respond without getting something out of this post to read. 
Well, for one, that burst of happiness has subsided. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going depressed on you, but it's sad that I couldn't keep up that happiness. I don't know if I'm right, but I might be on to the cause of my happiness. If I am, things should be alright. Well, better than alright. I'm not going to pretend things aren't alright.

A while earlier this year, I felt that things were just falling in to place. Just by doing one thing, something else would pay off. But no, everything now is more complicated. Everything is taking effort.
Something I have said earlier...
"Each step brings you closer to your destination. It may be a winding path, but you will always arrive at your destination. It’s just a matter of whether you fill the position when you take your step."
I still believe this, but I am feeling the need to push things myself, instead of waiting for them to conveniently happen.

Every idea, every piece of wisdom that I thought up felt right. You know, the kinds of things I post here on my blog. Now I think up so many ideas that I can't feel certain about them. I'm definitely thinking less philosophically, because I am finding it difficult to rely on that. However, every now and then, I think of something that slaps me in the face. A whim. These whims are so full of emotion I can't help but follow them.

So, this is why I am trying to look back at my past. Consider this a start.

(What) Do You Think?

Rhetoric is my forte. When you read my blog, you're guaranteed to read at least one question. But for all the questions I ask, what response do I get? When I write this blog, a large part of it comes from the desire to know what you think about what I'm writing. Sure, some questions are just plain unanswerable. But things like this...

"I reckon I haven't always expressed myself properly. I hold back on saying many things because I think they'll be embarrassing. Does this make sense to you?"

Why don't you respond to these questions? Sure, I can understand if you don't have the time, but please.

If you want answers, give me answers. Because otherwise I don't have much of a reason to write this blog.

Rebirth/Intertwined Memories/Precedents

We have recently witnessed the effective departure of Yr 12 as they go into their HSC exams (and by recently, I mean a few weeks ago). Now I'm not going to pretend that I really knew any of them well, but I do realise that many of my friends did. You will stay in touch no doubt, but chances are you'll hardly see them after this year. I myself am fiercely loyal and don't want to see any of my friends leave me.  But, from a logistical perspective, we will be missing many great characters and leaders from this school when they leave.

They are gone, and others must take their place.

Don't lose sight of the fact that it WILL be our turn in roughly a year. Time is the least of my concerns here. I mean, we'll be a grade like any other, we'll be remembered for various reasons, and we will be missed when we leave. Are we looking far ahead enough to try and craft a legacy? A series of events and actions that will secure our place in the hearts and minds of the rest of our school? Do things like this just happen?

Lets take things forward a little. More personal. I  am a part of this grade, of course. Is it too much to think that I could be one of those individuals? A little selfish, perhaps, but it's been one of my ambitions since primary school to get into some kind of real leadership.

I'm always seeking self-improvement. One thing that does annoy me is...well...my inherent awkwardness (if you think you know where this is coming from, this is actually completely unrelated to anything). My reputation for being awkward practically proceeds me. It gets in the way. I definitely know how to not be awkward (this I guarantee), but I guess it's become a matter of habit? I mean, I'm not awkward at all with any of my friends outside of school. I can't understand it.

If only I could become friends with all of you now, but like you never knew me, yet I knew you. Having that comfortable familiarity, that I could be more open than I was before, so that I could interact without the burden of old characteristics trailing behind me.

I had a dream. A dream about somebody I swear I don't even know. Or at least I don't remember knowing them. They were inviting me to come and see a movie. It makes me wonder, are there any loose ends that I have left forgotten? When I think about my life, I mostly just see the past two years at school. My recollection of earlier years is fuzzy at best, and I don't remember too many things from outside of school. There's probably lots of people who remember me that I don't remember. Of course there are. I've always been well-known wherever I go, for good reasons or not.

This has been a time of incredible happiness, but also a time where I've been regretting my past inactions. I reckon I haven't always expressed myself properly. I hold back on saying many things because I think they'll be embarrassing. Does this make sense to you? It's more than just that...there have been so many things that I've screwed up just by not doing anything, but when it comes to the time of writing this, I just can't remember them.

It's a bit early to call a close on the year, but I feel there's so many things that have happened that I have to mention. I don't want to risk forgetting them. Not all of them are good things, but they've certainly been life changing.

PRECEDENTS:
Getting braces
Having cola for the first time (no, i'm serious.)
First time going to a movie with friends from school 

First time seeing an MA15 movie
Turning 15. =D
Not ranking in ANY of the competitions I entered (whereas I have done so for the last two years)
Making a short film
Friend group breaking apart (could have been worded better, but man, this was absolutely painful.)
Finishing Duke of Ed 

First concert


As you can see, there's lots of stuff that is completely crazy. How could I have gone so long without doing some of these things?
In going through these, I found a lot of false positives. Like, things that I thought had happened for the first time but had actually happened before.
For example, i could have said that this year I have gone to a friend's house for the first time, but actually I've done that twice before. Although it was a while ago, in lower primary school.
And another thing, I might be a bit too candid here, but *OK, I ENDED UP REMOVING THIS BEFORE I EVEN POSTED IT*.
Sorry about removing that thing above. But, yeah, you get the picture.


27/01/2010: Ok then, you're going to get your information. You want to know the false positive I ended up removing? Well then. It was a crush.
After a bit of thought, I realised that I have actually had ONE other crush before (I don't care what some of you think, I didn't have a crush in Year 7. =P). It was way back in Year 2. Heck, after a bit of thought, I still remember her name. Courtney, I think it was. She had some relation to one of the teachers, and for some reason, I think she was only going to my school temporarily. I can't remember much, except for...well...holding hands. Cute, ain't it? 

I have this strong to desire to do things. To go places, and strengthen friendships. A burning desire, a responsibility. I'll be using my huge new-found confidence, and hopefully, I'll overcome something that's been plaguing me since before I even started this blog - my lack of sleep. There is a huge difference in me when I get enough sleep, and it shows. If I can stay consistent with it, then combined with that confidence, who knows what I'll do?

You're done reading? Listen to these. They're just mesmerising. I had to replace the originals because they were removed, but these are just as good. Keep in mind they don't reflect my mood. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUBBfdaPkMI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTkbUnLxtl4&feature=related

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