Statement of Disclosure

In Memory

2010-01-27T19:55:00.003+11:00

This is post number 42; as Cookie so elegantly put it, the death certificate post.

The number 42 carries a few memories.There was this thing in Year 9 (which carried on in to early year 10) where 42 was supposedly stalking me - appearing in math problems/answers, page numbers, and even THE TIME. Then there was the Coldplay song "42", which I also remember singing to entertain Cookie when climbing down a steep hill on the Duke of Ed hike. Actually, come to think of it, Cookie is probably the only person who was in on the 42 conspiracy. ^_^

There are so many memories, scattered over the course of time, buried underneath the weight of my life and discarded to focus on the present. To remember everything clearly is to know what you've done and what you are going to do, what you have felt and how your feelings have changed, but in the daily grind of life, can you possibly retain everything, can you find the solitude to remember? As this blog has progressed I have saved many memories, that will in turn trigger others upon reading them. Yet some of the vaguer parts may hold no significance to anyone but me. Well, this IS officially the last post here, so I thought, why don't I change that?

If you look back through all my blog posts, you will find that there are some amendments in RED to either clarify or expand on what I have already written. Look out for them, you might come across some interesting and surprising information. (if Bec is reading this, er, good luck. ^_^)

A few closing matters...the old banner can be found here, at my (VERY) inactive deviantart account. http://smudgestick.deviantart.com/art/Stormpool-57922494

This blog is titled "Statement of Disclosure", and at some point I posted a poem with the very same title. That poem was written way before I made this blog, and it's basically where I got the title. But what about the URL, pacesinspaces? Well, now that I mention it...

Here it is, the pièce de résistance.

Paces in Spaces

And by the witching hour, so she stood beneath the railings

To contemplate a compensated claim of dire insomnia

In doing so she noticed tersely as the shadows drew

They pulled away the curtains on the night sky of dark blue

To satisfy themselves and to obey the march of time

Themselves incredibly bound and ebbing by the rising tide

Which swept away her troubles like a cold, wet cloth

As she envisioned something different for herself

And painted her thoughts on a canvas, but only

To watch the colours run down the sink

And in doing so, she found she couldn’t think

Of the time when she slipped at the doorstep,

Stone cold, and found her face again where she had never known,

On a steamy summer’s afternoon, where her memories were engraved

In gold, yet still permitting for obsessed and endless plights

Strangely similar to some certain shadowy nights

Where the truth would never unfold.
-----

Thanks for reading, everyone. I'll see you on The Open Page. =)

Grounding

2010-01-03T22:49:00.002+11:00

In the month since I announced hiatus, I have had one of the most intense month(and a half)s ever. Just as well that I invoked a hiatus, otherwise who knows what crap I could have said. I've experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Here within this post these things shall be calmly recounted and reflected apon. =P

Camp was a roller coaster, not because of what happened at camp, but because of what happened before camp. Lets just say, I made a mistake. From post "Dephased", on March 21, 2009:

My mind plays on insecurities in my head, and they seem to take root as easily as I dream them up. To quote Radiohead (again):
" My thoughts are misguided
And a little naive..." - Myxomatosis (Judge, Jury and Executioner).

That's pretty much what happened here, but the insecurities were started by something that someone said. I then said something that made things very, very awkward. No, it wasn't THAT kind of awkward. But anyway, the entire incident managed to keep me distracted for the entire camp. Thanks to a bunch of my friends, I managed to fix things up. And it only gets better from there on in, although my distraction cost me peer support leadership, I swear. =P

I used to be drained by things that I didn't control, but now I've found that I've exhausted myself. I've been trying awfully hard to change things - friendships, reputation, performance - half of the times succeeding, the other half falling flat on my face. This year, nothing was set in stone. So in 2010, I'm going to take it easy, go on cruise control. This doesn't mean that I'll stop following my desires and ambitions, but that I won't be ramming into every opportunity I see.

I've taken it upon myself to organise the Baulko Bulletin, and I've even tried to break into the SRC and Peer Support (well actually according to Mrs Robinson I was a shoe-in for Peer Support, anyway...). But I've realised that there are different ways I can make my mark. Different, less taxing ways. But I'm still in charge Baulko Bulletin, so I'm thinking I'll put someone else in charge after a few months. Just don't tell anyone. =P

So, moving on, drama night, like last year, wasn't much fun until we actually did the real performance. Apathy was the mood in rehearsals, and boy were the rehearsals long. But the end result was seriously awesome. It felt way too short though, and as a symbolic end to drama for the year, many people were sorry that they weren't taking drama next year. It was exhilarating but sad. And what more, I got a friendly word from someone I've considered to be an enemy for quite some time.

Days followed, less and less people turned up at school, but my group of friends seemed determined to come just to hang out. Now, this is why I love you all. It's mostly a blur, but a very pleasant one. Notable events were mufti/santa day, and several trips to the pool. And then, there was a drama party, where less than half of the class showed up.

Then, the lead up to graduation assembly, where I got a series of texts from, lets just say, an old friend (the ambiguity levels in this post are completely off the chart. ^_^). I can't begin to say how much that made my day. Surprised me a little, that's for sure. And if you've been following this blog, you know how much I love surprises. Thanks. =)

Graduation assembly comes and goes, and for the next few days everyone is telling me how their parents are fans of my singing. XD
Not to mention all the positive feedback I got from you guys yourselves. Thank you so much. It was such a great day. The high from after the performance never went down, because I had a completely awesome time with Sneha, Bec and Durga and Sid. Messing around in the library with *ahem* certain books aimed at teenagers. Congregating around Bec's laptop, talking absolute nonsense. Counting the number of times Robert Pattison appeared in a copy of S-Press that I picked up from the library, then turning to a poster for "Where the Wild Things Are", where Kausthub comes in and says that the wild thing is also Robert Pattison, before reading the tagline, "there's one in all of us". Giving out and receiving christmas cards, lots of hugs. Ah, this is the life.

Formal was absolutely great, although I do wish that Sean (and James) would have gotten in to it a bit more. Y'know, seize the opportunity. But they just sat there. Don't like dancing, fine...
But anyway, it was still great, especially when you have Praween constantly getting you to dance like MJ...and winning best male dancer because of it. So. Much. Fun. And then the day after, going to a movie. Perfect.

It's not difficult to notice that this post gets less philosophical as I type up the better parts of the month. When you're happy, or thinking about something that made you happy, there's so much less on your mind. It's a pity that bad things are often more memorable, lingering on in your mind because you find them to difficult to get over (is that just me? post your answer). But I'm making a conscious effort to stop the trend.

Well anyway, this is the way to end a year. After going through all that turbulence (read: entire blog. XD), everything has finished nicely. What with the rate at which things went back and forth, from good to bad ad infinitum, I could say that it's been difficult to learn anything from this year. But one thing I have realised is that I love my friends even more than my family. Know this, and respect it.

Enjoy 2010 everyone. =)

Downtime

2009-11-20T23:05:00.001+11:00

I have to say, this blog takes a lot out of me.

It's sucks the life out of me, much like the picture at the top of the page (and that wasn't an intentional design choice). Often keeps me up late at night to work on finishing posts. How ironic then, that on my blog I complain about sleep deprivation.

When I write something, I go through a very long thought process, and by the time I'm done writing about an issue, my mind thinks that its resolved. It's counteractive. It just pulls out my desire to act.

And I swear, by typing some of the things I put in my blog, I inadvertently kill so many potential conversations. I talk about so many things here, so of course, you wouldn't ever have the need to talk to me about them. Furthermore, I can't gauge a reaction to things I say here when nobody replies. Silence is painful.

27/01/2010: Or more like, a lack of trust and initiative is painful. It was somewhat unfounded really, but hey, everyone needs a breather every now and then.

These next few weeks are going to be extremely important. Camp, graduation assembly, formal, you name it.
Thus, I am announcing a hiatus from this blog until end of term. In fact, it's quite possible that my hiatus will become indefinite. Sure, I have gone a month without posting before, so how is this any different? In most cases, I'm typing up a draft. But for this space of time, I am not going to do anything here.

This is my 40th post, if I've counted correctly. Here's to.

Convergence...Again.

2009-11-19T22:45:00.000+11:00

Times are hard and we're the last in line
'Cause in my grief I'd forgotten what was mine
No, I wouldn't change a thing
No, I, no, I
No, I wouldn't change a thing
About the way you are
The distance here
The speed so far

Let Me Give the World To You - Smashing Pumpkins

I think we should all ignore my previous two posts. Incidentally, they made me sound extremely messed up. I suppose I have a knack for channelling my blog into whatever suits my dramatic interest. Emotion without cause, sentiments without explanation, an overriding compulsion to stay relevant to the contrived title...I could go on.

Actually, on another note, the post titled "Convergence/Reflection" was just a poetry dump. The convergence title wasn't relevant at all. It was just an idea that I had that I wanted to use for a while. So many times, I come up with these awesome words that describe my state of mind, but then fail to capture it in my writing. But enough of that, I'm becoming increasingly self-referential.

Change course. In the space of a few years, roles are reversed. Friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Friends become close, friends drift apart. Back and forth. In and out. Life becomes a drama. Characters moving on their separate paths collide in ways unimaginable. And depart in similar fashion. Life is characterised by defining moments, shaping ways of thinking, friendships, hopes and fears. And we can only wonder what our actions will culminate in.

And out of seemingly nowhere, does it ever occur to you that there are so many things that a person can mention, but never even speak of again?

"Classes will dull your mind, destroy the potential for authentic creativity"

John Nash

There's something I just want to say. The person who said it most probably won't read this, but in my mind that's not the important part. Something along the lines of...

"Guys don't understand that when a female wants a hug, you should get up and hug them".
Alright, I've just made a mess of the original wording, but honestly, stuff like that gets to me. I do understand things like that, it's just that I don't do anything about them.

Now, from a previous post...

"I had a dream. A dream about somebody I swear I don't even know. Or at least I don't remember knowing them. They were inviting me to come and see a movie."

I didn't really describe it in detail, but that's not important. Some time on the weekend I had a dream and that cinema was in it for some reason. And in the dream, somehow I gathered that it was Carlo Court. Keep in mind, I've never been there, so I have no idea. Anyway, the very same day, I go on facebook, and one of the first posts I see is someone's status update, and it mentions Carlo Village. Now, I know they're not the same thing, but come on. That is just insane. To my relief, there is NO cinema in Carlo Court.

"I want magic! Yes, yes, magic. I try to give that to people. I do misrepresent things. I don't tell truths. I tell what ought to be truth."

A Streetcar Named Desire

Fin.

A Start

2009-11-14T22:25:00.001+11:00

No, I won't let this blog die. 27/01/2010: *ahem* But do I have anything new to say?
Lately I've been obsessing over the past. One can still find new things in the past. But that it is difficult, nigh impossible without documentation. I only started paying attention to things in detail maybe a year ago. It's difficult to compare a thing in the present to something in the past you weren't really concentrating on at the time.

So then. I want to know. What you remember of me from Year 9?

I understand that you might not be inclined to respond without getting something out of this post to read.
Well, for one, that burst of happiness has subsided. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going depressed on you, but it's sad that I couldn't keep up that happiness. I don't know if I'm right, but I might be on to the cause of my happiness. If I am, things should be alright. Well, better than alright. I'm not going to pretend things aren't alright.

A while earlier this year, I felt that things were just falling in to place. Just by doing one thing, something else would pay off. But no, everything now is more complicated. Everything is taking effort.
Something I have said earlier...
"Each step brings you closer to your destination. It may be a winding path, but you will always arrive at your destination. It’s just a matter of whether you fill the position when you take your step."
I still believe this, but I am feeling the need to push things myself, instead of waiting for them to conveniently happen.

Every idea, every piece of wisdom that I thought up felt right. You know, the kinds of things I post here on my blog. Now I think up so many ideas that I can't feel certain about them. I'm definitely thinking less philosophically, because I am finding it difficult to rely on that. However, every now and then, I think of something that slaps me in the face. A whim. These whims are so full of emotion I can't help but follow them.

So, this is why I am trying to look back at my past. Consider this a start.

(What) Do You Think?

2009-11-11T23:09:00.000+11:00

Rhetoric is my forte. When you read my blog, you're guaranteed to read at least one question. But for all the questions I ask, what response do I get? When I write this blog, a large part of it comes from the desire to know what you think about what I'm writing. Sure, some questions are just plain unanswerable. But things like this...

"I reckon I haven't always expressed myself properly. I hold back on saying many things because I think they'll be embarrassing. Does this make sense to you?"

Why don't you respond to these questions? Sure, I can understand if you don't have the time, but please.

If you want answers, give me answers. Because otherwise I don't have much of a reason to write this blog.

Rebirth/Intertwined Memories/Precedents

2009-11-05T22:09:00.012+11:00

We have recently witnessed the effective departure of Yr 12 as they go into their HSC exams (and by recently, I mean a few weeks ago). Now I'm not going to pretend that I really knew any of them well, but I do realise that many of my friends did. You will stay in touch no doubt, but chances are you'll hardly see them after this year. I myself am fiercely loyal and don't want to see any of my friends leave me. But, from a logistical perspective, we will be missing many great characters and leaders from this school when they leave.

They are gone, and others must take their place.

Don't lose sight of the fact that it WILL be our turn in roughly a year. Time is the least of my concerns here. I mean, we'll be a grade like any other, we'll be remembered for various reasons, and we will be missed when we leave. Are we looking far ahead enough to try and craft a legacy? A series of events and actions that will secure our place in the hearts and minds of the rest of our school? Do things like this just happen?

Lets take things forward a little. More personal. I am a part of this grade, of course. Is it too much to think that I could be one of those individuals? A little selfish, perhaps, but it's been one of my ambitions since primary school to get into some kind of real leadership.

I'm always seeking self-improvement. One thing that does annoy me is...well...my inherent awkwardness (if you think you know where this is coming from, this is actually completely unrelated to anything). My reputation for being awkward practically proceeds me. It gets in the way. I definitely know how to not be awkward (this I guarantee), but I guess it's become a matter of habit? I mean, I'm not awkward at all with any of my friends outside of school. I can't understand it.

If only I could become friends with all of you now, but like you never knew me, yet I knew you. Having that comfortable familiarity, that I could be more open than I was before, so that I could interact without the burden of old characteristics trailing behind me.

I had a dream. A dream about somebody I swear I don't even know. Or at least I don't remember knowing them. They were inviting me to come and see a movie. It makes me wonder, are there any loose ends that I have left forgotten? When I think about my life, I mostly just see the past two years at school. My recollection of earlier years is fuzzy at best, and I don't remember too many things from outside of school. There's probably lots of people who remember me that I don't remember. Of course there are. I've always been well-known wherever I go, for good reasons or not.

This has been a time of incredible happiness, but also a time where I've been regretting my past inactions. I reckon I haven't always expressed myself properly. I hold back on saying many things because I think they'll be embarrassing. Does this make sense to you? It's more than just that...there have been so many things that I've screwed up just by not doing anything, but when it comes to the time of writing this, I just can't remember them.

It's a bit early to call a close on the year, but I feel there's so many things that have happened that I have to mention. I don't want to risk forgetting them. Not all of them are good things, but they've certainly been life changing.

PRECEDENTS:
Getting braces
Having cola for the first time (no, i'm serious.)
First time going to a movie with friends from school

First time seeing an MA15 movie
Turning 15. =D
Not ranking in ANY of the competitions I entered (whereas I have done so for the last two years)
Making a short film
Friend group breaking apart (could have been worded better, but man, this was absolutely painful.)
Finishing Duke of Ed

First concert

As you can see, there's lots of stuff that is completely crazy. How could I have gone so long without doing some of these things?
In going through these, I found a lot of false positives. Like, things that I thought had happened for the first time but had actually happened before.
For example, i could have said that this year I have gone to a friend's house for the first time, but actually I've done that twice before. Although it was a while ago, in lower primary school.
And another thing, I might be a bit too candid here, but *OK, I ENDED UP REMOVING THIS BEFORE I EVEN POSTED IT*.
Sorry about removing that thing above. But, yeah, you get the picture.

27/01/2010: Ok then, you're going to get your information. You want to know the false positive I ended up removing? Well then. It was a crush.
After a bit of thought, I realised that I have actually had ONE other crush before (I don't care what some of you think, I didn't have a crush in Year 7. =P). It was way back in Year 2. Heck, after a bit of thought, I still remember her name. Courtney, I think it was. She had some relation to one of the teachers, and for some reason, I think she was only going to my school temporarily. I can't remember much, except for...well...holding hands. Cute, ain't it?

I have this strong to desire to do things. To go places, and strengthen friendships. A burning desire, a responsibility. I'll be using my huge new-found confidence, and hopefully, I'll overcome something that's been plaguing me since before I even started this blog - my lack of sleep. There is a huge difference in me when I get enough sleep, and it shows. If I can stay consistent with it, then combined with that confidence, who knows what I'll do?

You're done reading? Listen to these. They're just mesmerising. I had to replace the originals because they were removed, but these are just as good. Keep in mind they don't reflect my mood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUBBfdaPkMI&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTkbUnLxtl4&feature=related

-------------------------------

I'm Not Dead!

2009-10-27T23:36:00.000+11:00

And this is just to let you know that I'll be posting very shortly.
Excuse me, it's made of three separate draft posts that I haven't gotten around to finishing. So, when I'm done, it will be like 3 posts in one! Although some of it will be a bit old. I know I'm keeping you waiting, but hey, I haven't forgotten you.

So yeah, considering I won't be mentioning this at all in said post, yearlies were fun! Sort of. Not the actual exams, but preparing for them. I don't think anyone would call it "studying"...well at least Niro wouldn't, because according to him, you can't possibly be having fun and be studying at the same time! Thanks to everyone who helped with notes and the group study, because you made it possible for me to actually enjoy the week. I only stressed once, and that was for English, which had a particularly daunting test.

Oh yes, if you haven't already heard, I went completely off topic in my history and geo papers by mentioning Egypt in the extended response! Needless to say, I can't wait to get those back. XD
I'll post those up when I get them back.

I have concluded from recent blogging, that writing in a positive tone makes me happier. I reckon it also makes for more readable posts. What do you think?

Hope you have enjoyed this mini post that was mostly about nothing in particular.

Accompanying Entropy

2009-10-12T23:17:00.000+11:00

I don't think I've ever experienced anything like this. Completely out of nowhere, I've been getting all sorts of notes for the yearlies that I haven't even been asking for. And a bunch of my friends just did a group study session for science on msn. The level of kindness and comraderie has just amazed me.

On a similar note, I had my birthday on October 8. I got a card from Durga that was indescribably awesome, and 15 text messages all saying happy birthday. From the same person. Turns out it was Cookie (am I allowed to use your actual name here?). Excellent surprise, especially considering you are the first person I asked to try and figure out whose number it was. I never would have suspected.

Over the past few weeks I have been working on some "songs". They're for an EP which Lenny practically said I *have* to make. Heh. Currently the deadline is standing at April 2010, but I reckon that's extremely generous and I'll probably finish before then. Also a possibility is a bonus DVD, including content such as music videos and "Live at the TLC". That title would be priceless. PRICELESS I SAY!

MPPS reunion has come and passed, and I really wish I could have gone. I mean, I probably wouldn't recognise most everyone, but so many people know me (yes, even at MPPS), and I've actually talked to a few of them on FB. Well there's always the reunion on Wednesday exclusively for my class. Now, I don't exactly remember being popular. Or anything near. In fact, I took a lot of crap. But I had a few friends, and I'm sure I'm not universally hated by my class members. Although I do wonder if those who hated me still carry a grudge.

Did you know that I've never had a birthday party? I remember having a GameCube party a while back (yepyepyep), and someone even thought it was a birthday party, but it was really just a session of gaming with friends. I may or may not be having one after the yearlies, but if I do, it will be something quite special, as I have quite an elaborate schedule in mind. Although one setback is that I would only be able to invite four people due to the size of my house. Yes, I insist on having it at my house. Nobody's really been to my house, come to think of it. That really should change sometime soon.

Time to end the post. Do I really have to add something philosophical? Not at all! If you were expecting that, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Maybe you can try and make sense of the title as a substitute.
I'll help you a little with a definition
entropy: a numerical measure of the uncertainty of an outcome

That's all for today, folks! Now back to studying. XD

Back and Forth

2009-10-02T20:35:00.001+10:00

(Drafted on 18/09/2009. I really should finish posts quicker. That being said, this is going to be very long. First para, part about Variety Night and a sentence on Friday is just about all I had drafted then. Yes, I have been writing the rest of this post up over this length of time.)

I go back and forth between absolutely loving life and wishing it would be more interesting. Thursday and Friday have been excellent. So much fun on all fronts.

Thursday was Variety Night, and the excessive bludging that came with it. I got to watch random rehearsals and...say hello to Gabi several times (there was an awkward moment somewhere there but it was funny =D). At some point in the day I had some random conversation with Bec, as she was unable to play any of the sports organised for PE and had to stay in the hall. We talked about English (the subject), music (not the subject) and other such talents. Also had a running commentary of the rehearsals (quite funny, even though I can't remember what I said XD), and talked about how she would love to do a performance that wasn't on piano in some kind of group.
I also got to mess around with some other guy on guitar, and then I had a comically horrible soundcheck which took half an hour due to connection problems, strange loud and crackly feedback, and having to cut down our performance by a minute with virtually no notice. Our band went back to the music room after that and had a nice moment with most of us playing acoustic guitars quietly, it just felt good.
The night was truly spectacular. I've described it several times before, so I won't bother much here. Pre-show there was much wandering outside in the darkness, spinning and dancing like I didn't have a care. It was somewhat magical. I got to talk to Antony a lot in between acts, it was a "bonding" time i guess. Also there was a running joke about not filming any of the Bollywood dancing. Antony got very tired after a while and went home early for unrelated reasons. Mr Wong introduced the choir with the most awesome speech about how half of the choir hadn't turned up, likening it to a birthday party where half of the people you invite don't turn up (audience reaction was priceless).

On Friday we were almost united. I'm sorry if you're reading and you have no idea what I am talking about, so I think I'll explain it. A few weeks ago, a fateful argument split our group after much uneasiness had been present for the past few months. We split into three groups, in addition to breakaways. If you have read my rambling posts, you will have heard of my "heroic" attempts to bring it back to the way it was. Little known are the extents I was planning to go to but ended up being circumvented. On top of the conversations and visits and other such things, I was going to go as far as slipping a subliminal message into an assembly announcement. I was thwarted when I was told that the announcement could only be 30 seconds long, thus I only had time for the announcement itself. So I'm told there is no chance of getting it back to the way it was, but does ANYTHING in life stay the same? I realise that some things do eventually change for the worse, but it doesn't mean that they can't be replaced by other things that are just as good as they were. So anyway, yes, I've talked about this a dozen times before in this blog, so I'll be hoping I won't have to talk about it again for a long time.

So anyway, we had one of those awesome times where nobody know what's going on but everyone's having a hell of a lot of fun.

I have just realised something incredibly creepy. The dream I described in the post "Reformation" (http://pacesinspaces.blogspot.com/2009/06/reformation.html) has practically come true. It may become obvious who the person is that I refer to in the dream, if you know me well.
The question is...will my recent dream fulfill itself in some strange way? I can only hope so. Maybe it's already happening and I don't know it yet.

27/01/2010: At this point in time, I frequently dream about many of my friends, so there's way too much for me to write about now. (and heck, sometimes through the day I remember something that happened in the dream and think that it actually happened. My imagination is getting much stronger - I'm getting genuine emotional reaction). But yeah, at the time, this was pretty major.

Circumstances drive our actions...

OK, by now, this post's original text is 2 weeks old. I was going to write more but I think I'll have to end it now. I think this can fill in the rest.

http://caffeinatedprocrastination.blogspot.com/2009/09/post-100-happy-birthday-of-6-months.html
- about our nonsensical and exceedingly fun lunch time on 22/09/09, despite having two tests afterwards.
http://caffeinatedprocrastination.blogspot.com/2009/09/awesome.html
-about going to Bec's house on 29/09/09 to do history assignment and having one of the best times ever.

Going back to the first paragraph, which WAS written two weeks ago, considering I have had an excellent two weeks, I don't think the fun is ever going to stop. While the previous 2 and a half terms have been a huge drag, these last few weeks have felt like a breath fresh air. Truly, I reckon this is the only post I've ever been able to end on an entirely positive note. That being said, I really should post more often. =D
Bye, and happy holidays!

Enter Another World

2009-09-17T23:25:00.001+10:00

It was evening.
Somebody knocked on my door and
I recognised the knock.
I opened the door and was completely surprised.
One of my friends was standing in the doorway
On no occasion whatsoever
Holding a book
Tightly bound and illustrated
Full of memories
It was a moment of pure happiness

But alas. I've been dreaming again. Why can I not stop.....
Take from this what you will, but do not be afraid of my preoccupations.

27/01/2010: Incidentally, the previous dream I mentioned was about the same person, so I had reason to be a little confused. There's a link to that in the next post.

Blurring Boundaries

2009-09-16T22:11:00.000+10:00

Some things we can never classify. We don't know what they are, and we don't know how to deal with them.

You know you're not in a good position when there's something you want to do but you can never seem to do it.
You know you're confused when you don't know where you stand with others.
To be ignored, walked past.

The more complicated issues of the mind...when does being perceptive turn into over-reading of a situation?
Is the person aware of what they are doing to cause this concern?

The way one sees life...is it really how life can be?

I am not devoid of happiness.
But things could be better.

There are words I could say that could turn everything around.
How would those words sound if I said them?

I would leave the perfect touch, a suspenseful statement to send shivers down one's spine.

Visitors

2009-09-10T22:17:00.000+10:00

They go in and out
But
They never stay.

2009

2009-08-30T19:44:00.000+10:00

Thanks for reading!

And I Could ... (Drunken Ramblings)

2009-08-30T17:41:00.001+10:00

Some things just can't come up in regular conversation, whereas other things are perfect for that. I believe that these posts are the most real things that I can write about. Talking about what's been going on in real life is something that loses its charm in the written word.

...Makes me wonder if I'm wasting my time? But then I realise I don't need an answer to that question because I'm perfectly happy carrying on like this.

I have been getting the feeling you get when you discover or remember something awesome that you completely forgot about. For example, there was this one time in commerce last year when i only answered mr. cigana with "DING!" or "EEMP!". He said something funny but I can't remember what.

I am having serious flashback problems lately. And I'm also having dreams where the events of the day repeat slightly differently, or my thoughts for the next day play themselves out. The resemblance to real life is so strong. I could swear that I wasn't even dreaming. You never know...

One thing that strikes me lately is how close some people's friendships are. I don't have very many close friendships, and even those I have don't know a lot about me personally. I don't know what to expect, really. You could say that I missed a lot in my childhood. Being bullied, pretty much never going to anyone's house, not getting to go to parties, basically held back by a lot of things. How do you become such good friends?

I think I'll stop.

27/01/2010: This isn't the last you've heard of my back story (XP). And it definitely isn't the last you've heard about close friendships. You just need to talk. I can do that just fine. But at the time of this post, I think I was playing up because, well, most of my friends are girls, and I was trying to push through the awkwardness around that (isn't it funny how you can think that it's perfectly fine one year, and the next year you suddenly get all awkward over it?). I can safely say by now I'm good to go.

Surrogate

2009-08-26T22:02:00.000+10:00

When things don't go your way, look forward to another day.

Despite these recent events which I am clearly preoccupied with, I can't help but think that something good has/can come out of this all. I have been challenging myself to confront the situation and rise to the occasion. I have (infrequently) maintained my opinion that I can be a good leader, and this is an opportunity to lead. It may not seem like it, but I have been doing quite a bit in the sidelines. Lets just hope that I can lead everything back to normal. But I have been thinking, what will happen if my plan doesn't work? If there is something else that I am not aware of that will stand in my way. Certain parties involved, I have not properly spoken to in a very long time, or otherwise, very infrequently. So how compelling is my case?

The romantic notion of heroism is a part of it. I'm acting on what my heart is telling me. If it wasn't like that, I wouldn't bother to such an extent. As a Christian, i suppose I am inclined to act in love, although many Christians don't actually do that themselves. Everything that is a part of my life I hold as a personal stake. Is it just me? Does anyone else feel so attached to something?
----------------------

It is not what happens in a day that is worth telling. It is what happens over months, years, lifetimes. The bigger picture. Look alive or you'll screw that picture up. =P

Maintenance. Recovery.

2009-08-23T22:51:00.001+10:00

"We are all connected. Joined together by an invisible thread, infinite in its potential and fragile in its design. Yet while connected, we are also merely individuals. Empty vessels to be filled with infinite possibilities. An assortment of thoughts, beliefs. A collection of disjointed memories and experiences. Can I be me without this? Can you be you? And if this invisible thread that holds us together were to sever, to cease, what then? What would become of billions of lone, disconnected souls? Therein lies the great quest of our lives. To find. To connect. To hold on. For when our hearts are pure, and our thoughts in line, we are all truly one. Capable of repairing our fragile world, and creating a universe of infinite possibilities." - Heroes - An Invisible Thread.
---------------

Repeat. This is a crisis. We are navigating through dangerous territory. Half of our troops are missing. Names? No, this is a public transmission, and I can't risk compromising their identity, so I can only give initials. I.M, Z.M, and A.Y. You should know them well. Their COM links have been disconnected. If we don't find them, then we have no chance of surviving.

Listen up. I have a plan. I need your full co-operation for this plan to succeed. We will use a multi-pronged strategy.
1. Stealth. We must survey the area with caution. There may be opposing forces holding them captive and we must be prepared.
2. Flares. This will alert their attention to our presence and hopefully mobilise them towards an area where we can make contact.
3. Communication. Our attempts may fail, but we must try. We will attempt to directly contact them in the hope that our transmissions are strong enough to get through. These must be unyielding.

For the full effect of this operation to be realised we must stick together. There is no knowing what we may face out there. It will not be easy. But know this. We have worked what seems like a lifetime in this team. I will not give up on something so significant so readily. We must break down the walls that have come up between us so suddenly. I, for one, will not cease in my efforts. Those of you who remain with me, you must dock immediately so that I can debrief you further. That being said, I wish you all the best of luck.
*end transmission*

Point of Contact II

2009-08-09T23:05:00.002+10:00

This was not originally my intention, but as Sneha suggested, I will continue the previous facebook note in this blog post.

Well, how can you miss someone when you're always in contact? And more importantly, when you're always on social networking, where is the space to think about other things?

I have been thinking of you, friends and enemies, some more than others. I've also been thinking about myself. As an English teacher once said (Matthews or Wakeling I think), I am highly impressionable. I definitely didn't think so in Year 8, but I completely agree now. I haven't quite been myself lately, so I felt like I needed some time in solitude.

Sometimes, I speak too soon. In my last major post (Final Hour), I promised change. It was what I wanted to happen, but it didn't quite. That's because I was trying to go back to what I defined as myself. You know what? When you try to define yourself, you just pidgeonhole yourself into something that you might not be.

Lets revise some things that I've said here, shall we? I apologise if I repeat myself too much.

Phase 1 - Impact (Year 7)
Phase 2 - ~~At Leisure~~ This description doesn't quite match and I can't come up with another one. (Year 8)
Phase 3 - Friendship (Year 9)
Phase 4 - Investment (Year 10)
Phase 5 - It seems like such a long time since "Phase 4". It's definitely not appropriate anymore. This year so far as been full of changes and shake ups, and not so favourable conditions. Where Year 9 was easygoing and relaxed, Year 10 has been full of uncertainty and has not been nearly as memorable for the times I've had with friends. It's more memorable for my state of mind, through the ups and downs of trying to make everything work how I wanted it. But I've let myself get too comfortable, so I haven't accomplished as much as I would want. This year has been full of completely new realisations that I haven't always coped with properly. Thus, this current phase is entitled... Precedents.
Involving the setting of, and breaking of.

(CENSORED) has said that I am desperate for attention. Correct to a degree. But I'm what I'm really desperate for is something to bring unity back to our group. Ever since we moved we seem to have drifted into two separate groups. And apparently while I was away on Friday, half of us moved back. Please, don't do this to me. We need to stick together. Don't you remember how much fun we had as one group? How many moments we had? Yes, I am somewhat sentimental, but I know when I'm onto a good thing. The times I spent in our group were some of the most fun I've ever had. Who's to disagree with me?

Look back to my first (terrible) post. "I like surprising people. It keeps life interesting". Understated, but still fundamentally true. In some ways, I haven't changed a bit. But I know that I certainly think differently. My ambitions grow constantly. I want to do things that are more daring than before. I want to defy all expectations. I want to truly break free of all limitations. After all, doesn't everyone want to reach for the stars as a child? What stops them when they are older? One thing. The difference between desire and action. The trigger that turns desire into action is a mixture of inspiration and confidence. And I think I'm starting to hit my stride again.

But ultimately, I can't control everything that comes my way. I've realised several times that I can't expect the right scenario or the right level of co-operation (if you think this is you, don't feel bad about it). I just know that I need to adapt. I won't ever ask too much of you.

"I can't explain the state that I'm in
The state of my heart"
Sufjan Stevens - The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRW2g2l49fk

No, I can't stop myself from posting something music related. Listen to this song. It has an indescribable warmth that is sad yet rousing. It reminds me of myself sometimes. Anyway, it's time I called it a night. Who knows why I write these posts so late. =D

Noise.

2009-07-09T18:14:00.003+10:00

Those who really care...

2009-07-09T17:26:00.001+10:00

will listen.

This is the time...

2009-07-09T17:24:00.000+10:00

for fragile surrender.

The most important things...

2009-07-09T17:09:00.001+10:00

happen silently.

Final Hour

2009-06-25T23:45:00.002+10:00

We never die. We may be physically killed or subdued, but we will always live on in some way. In the hearts and minds of others, sometimes even subconsciously affecting the people we have met. But while we are alive...are we aware of the impacts we have made? Do we truly know who our friends are? Do we know all our enemies? Our secret admirers? If we knew, what would we change about ourselves, and what would we change in others? How would we react? Would we take action, or remain indifferent? What would we truly change? Would we express ourselves or would we remain silent? Would we let these thoughts die, to never be revealed? In what way would they live on?

27/01/2010: This is going around the concept of how people leave their mark on you in some way or another, and all these various memories, but they might not even realise just how important they are to you, or even the impact of a single sentence they have said. It's two way, really. How I've influenced others and how they've influenced me. And the things that a friend might do to please another, or to live up to their expectations.

Now getting down the point. Lately I've been feeling like I'm accountable to everyone. That I owe you. But I've compromised to do this. I'm sure if you read back you know what I'm talking about. Except this time I mean it. There has always been a delicate balance between leisure, keeping up with school and getting enough sleep. But I've never paid heed to it. Now more than ever I need to get things back to the centre. This is the last time I'll be so tired that I'm practically delirious. The last time that I'll struggle to concentrate. The last time I'll stare into the distance in a sleep-deprived trance. I'll finally get some rest. I've had the resolve to do it for a very long time, but I just needed an extra push. To the person who gave it, thank you. You're a better friend than you could possibly know.

Now what have I said about Wednesdays before? http://pacesinspaces.blogspot.com/2009/03/sum-of-parts.html
I don't know why, but I just feel more open on Wednesdays. And more focussed. Is it because it's in the middle of the week that I feel more settled? I was quite drowsy though, but a few sips of double espresso iced coffee did the trick. Eventually. In ballroom dancing I actually did something right! Made me happy. Over the last few weeks I've been feeling a bit self-conscious. Yes, completely out of character =P. But I got sudden boost in confidence which fixed all of that. If there's one thing sleep deprivation does, it makes you stronger, because you have to hold up while you feel like you're going to collapse. I can imagine how good I will feel once I get some rest. So anyway,
I did an extremely efficient spot of volunteer work at the library for duke of ed, and co-incidentally, in a conversation with Kevin Zhu, who actually works there, (the one in my grade; not the clumsy one) the team leader asked if I wanted to be put on the recruitment list. I had been thinking about that ever since I started all those months ago. Everything is falling into place. (Still have 2.5 months left, I'm going for 6 months.) So what would someone like me do with a job? Well, it would give me some very good satisfaction, plus increase my work ethic. But don't get the impression that I'm not in it for the money. There's lots of stuff I want to buy. Like Heroes boxsets (=D), and a few games and cds, plus maybe an electric guitar and a few pedals when I save up. And I'll also be in a very good position to give presents. You should know that I'm reasonably generous, but I don't usually give presents. I would if I could, and could I might pretty soon.

Everything important happens on Wednesday. Probably because that's when I'm most active. =D

My band is getting reasonably organised, so I'm happy about that. I'll give you info. Our plans were going to be three acts for Variety Night - and Indian/English fusion, a cover and an original/cover. Fusion proved very difficult to co-ordinate, so I was decisive (that's right) and I had to cut it. Also, I hear it's one act per group, except in special circumstances. But you guys know we'll be doing something.

I don't think I have anything else left to say so,
Stop living in someone else's world. Come into your own.

See ya'll next week. It'll be different, that much I can assure you. I know that you don't revolve around me (or so I assume), but you'll notice a difference. Trust me.

Reformation

2009-06-20T21:28:00.000+10:00

Welcome back, my precious few readers. A lot have things have happened between now and the last post (the code archive doesn't count as a post), so I'll go over some stuff I can remember. Skip ahead of some parts if they bore you.

A few weeks ago, that english short story thing was handed in. We were SUPPOSED to write a few random things in class, like taking a story and changing the perspective, or writing in stream of consciousness. AND we were supposed to keep a logbook. Truth is, I never did any of that. It's a good thing those didn't get marked for anything. But the point is, they were supposed to inspire us to write outside of the box. For me, that's pointless, because
1. They didn't inspire me at all.
2. I already think outside of the box on a regular basis.

So anyway, I was thinking about Runescape for some reason (yeah, what the hell?) and I came across the idea of how once you're in battle, you can't just quit and reset to get out of it, you're trapped in the battle until you or the monster died. That got me thinking about unavoidable circumstances, and the feelings associated with them. So I got something about falling. Yes, this was somehow inspired by Runescape. XD

Basically, it took the form of four loosely connected stories that converge at the end. And it's completely surreal. But I stayed up late to finish it. =(
Not many of you have actually read it, but most people I showed it to said it's like nothing they've ever read, mostly positive. I took a huge risk with this story, so I hope it gets marked well. In fact, my thought process for the short story in Year 9 was similar. I came up with a concept when thinking about something completely ridiculous (in this case, a car ad), and tried to evoke a particular feeling. I enjoyed that one more though. Must be the teacher. *ahem* McAlister >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Fenech

In other news that is not completely new, our drama class auditioned for MetWest Drama. Pretty much everyone thought the script was ridiculous, but we went along with it anyway. Some people in our class didn't think we'd get in, some thought we would only just make it, but it turns out we were wrong, and the auditioners actually loved it. How ironic. We're performing at BOTH the matinee and the main sessions, which is apparently very rare. I thought we'd get in, but really, they liked it that much? Another thing that surprised me is how quickly our class pulled together to tighten up the performance at the last minute. Even the smallest, most unimportant lines were really well delivered. Props to Sean, Piranavan, Owen and Nicole. And of course, Daniel. "LADIES, PLEASE!!!"

Ok now, about two weeks ago, I was walking to the library for my Duke of Ed service. Singing very loudly. As usual. It actually wasn't a very good song, I don't know why I was singing it. So anyway, I was shouting out "Re---volution!" and this random guy drives past and starts imitating me off key. I looked at the guy, turned around and cracked up. Ok, he was either

1. Making fun of me
2. Singing along

~~Well, it was obviously number 2.~~ XD
I don't think many people know the song, so that's REALLY unlikely. So, yes he was clearly making fun of me, but I thought it was pretty funny.

Athletic carnival @ zone was a while ago. I think I came 9 out of 13 in 800m. Yeah, it was exhausting. I didn't stop running once, unlike last year. Made me very dizzy. So after that, I bought an iced coffee and an enormous cake. I took something like half an hour to eat it so I wouldn't feel sick.

Creative Artsfest? Not going to talk about it. But I will talk about my band. We're doing stuff that may or may not involve Variety Night and Year 10 Grad Assembly. Yay!

I saw Evermore on 12 June. Officially, that was my first concert. It was epic. They played with support bands The Sundance Kids and End of Fashion. Both were great. Then Evermore came on to play their awesome concept album "Truth of the World". (Yes, they played "Hey Boys and Girls") The massive wall of TV screens from their music video was in active use for their entire act. It was incredible, and it really added to the atmosphere, as the album is themed around a dystopian trashy media show. They played extremely well, and were entertaining throughout. The drummer was just ridiculously good, and between songs he switched to piano. One time he was playing piano and they dimmed he lights briefly, and then all of a sudden he was playing these massive tom toms. And they were three members drumming at the same time. Got better and more intense at it progressed, with the sinister "Join the Party" where the bassist took over singing and was dressed like a soldier, the stomping "Everybody's Doing It", with screens of Hitler, and the frenzied "Chemical Miracle", when the drummer threw pills flying everywhere in the epic climax, up to the emotional "Faster" and "Can You Hear Me?" with soaring melodies. In the encore, they played "Running", "Light Surrounding You" and "It's Too Late". They've really changed a lot since they released those songs. Anyway, I'll upload some pics and videos from my brother's phone to facebook. Quality isn't too good though, and the crowd is really loud.

Ballroom dancing for rec sport isn't going so well. I keep stuffing up, mixing up my steps and being really confused in general. There we go, a direct consequence of sleep deprivation. I really try, but I'm not very good at remembering what to do and leading my partner. Last week's session was a real downer. So tired and unmotivated. And on top of that, the year 9's who do it reject me. It's annoying. Especially Cathy, who can't stop going on about how I kicked her. IN KINDERGARTEN. At some point near the end, everyone else gave up, because they were also tired, and Cathy tried to sleep on a drama block. That was on my right side. I looked back to my left and there was my enormous umbrella. *Looked back and forth*. Hmmm...decided to poke her. I lifted the umbrella, and then Zoe seemed to have concluded that I was interested in poking Cathy's ass. What the hell? I'm not perverted! So anyway, I bought an iced coffee after that. I seem to need a lot of those.

Minor news. Lunchtimes= Sid being ridiculous. Usually on camera. Heh. Also, it looks like we abandoned Home Sweet Hole, aka the spot behind H block.
Heroes - Cold Snap. So many twists, such an emotionally charged episode. Love it so much.
Finished my physical recreation component for Duke of Ed - that is, gym. Not gymnastics, just gym.

Ok, that should bring this blog up to speed. A few closing remarks...

I had a dream today. I travelled in to the past to trigger a bomb in the basement of this large centre, and I was with someone at the time. I stayed around, waiting for the last few minutes of the countdown, even getting a few drinks from a dispenser. When the alarms went off there were lights flashing and a voiceover counting down until the bomb was going to detonate. The other person was worried, but I calmly told them that I knew the way out and that we would escape in time. I took them with me and tried to find the escape, searching the whole floor, and then I realised that it was on another level. I got worried and took out the time travelling device, which was some kind of phone that needed a specific number to be dialled. While I did this the other person ran off in panic and I heard the last few seconds being counted down. I screamed out in disbelief because I couldn't save them. Then I fumbled at the device and dialled, but I had dialled the wrong number, and as the last second counted down, I realised my mistake, and everything froze.
What scares me the most about this dream is that I know the person who was with me, and I genuinely felt the anguish when they left, and the painful realisation of my mistake. For me, this serves as a warning to misplaced confidence. Which I have actually written about before, and coincidently I have adapted into my short story. Here it is.

So you never saw the option to see the truth
It was censored to death and you never saw it
For trust in where you stood, still and patient
And you stayed calm as usual, while you stood on sinking sand.

I leave you with this message:

Each step brings you closer to your destination. It may be a winding path, but you will always arrive at your destination. It’s just a matter of whether you fill the position when you take your step.

Until next time, yours truly.

Code Archive

2009-06-17T23:07:00.001+10:00

Revamp coming soon.
HTML Code has been archived. If you wanted it. Which you don't. If you know anything about html, you'll know that i can't post it within this page. So, anyway, here's te best I can do.

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Threshold

2009-05-19T20:23:00.002+10:00

Am I even trying? The life force is ebbing. Coming in bursts. Numbing, saturated, effortlessly ineffective. Wake me up, call me out. Shout it in my face. The time for subtlety is over.

This is all I have to say.
//////

Take Down/Self-Control

2009-04-28T21:11:00.001+10:00

Firstly, this blog is almost never written in a linear structure. Secondly, I'm removing the cluttered segment categorisation, like "The Archive" and "Directives". I have no reason to keep them. At the time I made them, I wanted to make it sound detached and that is certainly not something I want any more. Now, on to business.

For months I have been nothing but a silent observer, maintaining the occasional awkward conversation every now on then. Somewhere, in the late nights and mental stress I have lost myself. These days, my only proper conversations are on online. Not good. I'm going to make good on my earlier promise to compromise on my working standards to get more sleep and function better. Yes, this is the worst possible time to do that, with exams and assignments coming up, but things will get worse if I don't have any space. This will require aggressive task management and very early nights. I am honestly relying on you to make this easier for me. How, you ask? A straightforward and resolute answer. Never let me forget these words until they are fulfilled.

I believe that no question worth asking or problem worth solving ever has a simple apparent solution. Under close inspection, you can find out things you never realised. It takes effort to find out the most intricate details, yet too much thought can leave you confused and utterly disoriented. All discoveries require preparation, and this preparation itself requires effort. Do not neglect it. An athlete was has not adequately prepared for a race will become exhausted. Do you know what you're getting into?

Define: fall - descend in free fall under the influence of gravity.

Don't ever let gravity win.

Convergence/Reflection

2009-04-24T00:00:00.050+10:00

12 April - 23 April: Abridged - THE ARCHIVER////INSIGHT
----
Knowledge is powerless
When there’s no-one to share it with
----
Think again for someone else
Before you make the wrong conclusions
----
The focus shifts
Changing the perspective and twisting reality
----
To make amends from broken stones
Race down to the corner store
The harsh floodlights cutting through the sky
----
Paced ablaze, as the matter stays its hold
----
I’m blinded by uncertainty
But freed from sight’s oppression
The lack of focus proves giddy and refreshing
Falling brings the world rushing to my side
Steady and unchanging
Yet surely if I am stable my course will amend
Soundly I am created and destroyed
Upon encounter of the surface I will transcend
----
This delicate beauty will be broken
Before it can be seen
----
This solitude has no repose
----
Imagining the consequence
The hypothetics bring unwelcome pressure
----
The bigger picture is buried in the back of my mind
I’m sure it’s in there somewhere but it’s difficult to find
----
The best comes through our passive flight
A raw embrace in the dancing light
----
This is the time for fragile surrender
The hours slip indomitably
He’s singing but his heart isn’t in it
Why break the silence when there’s nothing worth saying?
Don’t you know how I got into this mess?
----
Silence is comfort for a time
But then it strikes you down
Like the crashing midnight chime
------------

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4kUt0u1qs0

-------------
The night is faint and stirring. The sky sparkles. Dreams will come soon, but what after?

Echoes

This is the kind of thing I never post - this is the most personal and intimate post I've ever shared. You know my thoughts, now what else?
All comments on this post will be replied to in prose, cryptic as usual. That being said, only one reply per person. The more people who comment, the more is revealed.

I wish you all the best. Take care.

...

2009-04-23T22:42:00.001+10:00

Statement of Disclosure

Coronary bypass for a broken heart
Skipping time restraining soul
Missed a beat, oh there it goes

Seeing catalysts and shock waves of
Profane inclinations aimed at my head
I stop to remember the sounds of my end

It was never a heart-warming cry
Nor a bloodshot tear from a frozen eye
That marked the end of my treasured love
Now buried in the golden isles

It’s easy to sink in, and hold back
And turn from every person’s sight.
It takes strength to face a thousand floodlights

My vision is your disclosure
I won’t take it away

©Aaron Cornelius
2008 (September?)

Surge

2009-04-20T22:34:00.001+10:00

That's right, another post.

Anyone have difficulty concentrating? I'm honestly not paying much attention as I would normally. I'm tired, like most of you (yet that doesn't stop me from putting in the effort to write this). Looks like I've forgotten a few things I've said here. Something about lowering my work standards to get more sleep and stuff like that. Well I'm not getting much more sleep, honestly. Someone remind me to do so please.

Simplicity is complacency
But I'll have it gladly if it sets me free

I don't want to have to think about everything in detail, because it diminishes its value. I don't need to be reminded constantly of an impending deadline, because I can make my own conclusions and decisions. I'm not always acknowledged for my achievements, and I appreciate validation.

There are some things I need to get off my chest
They don’t come lightly
So brace yourself

Impact is painful
But if given the chance
Time spent wisely will amend.
Yet misunderstanding will result in a mess.

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED FROM THE D.E.T THIS WEEK?

Hmm, the Stolen Generation. You know what I think? I don't give a damn. I used to. But why not now? Because it's being shoved down our throats. I've heard so much about the issue that I don't even care. Ever heard of overkill? This thing is practically half of our history course and we have to learn it again every year. It's stupid. This is the worst way to educate students about anything.

If nothing is understood
Then march away, put up your hood
But know that this is not what I had planned.

In case you haven't realised, I wrote the stuff that's in italics. I didn't just rip off someone else's words. Surprise surprise. If you have something to say, post a comment. If you really need to, there's an option to post anonymous. If you are new to this page, it might be a good idea to read back. Thanks for your time.

27/01/2010: The italics in this post are effectively a subtext (and this addition is yet another subtext. XD) - I meant every word when writing it, but effectively, I was expressing two voices. I'm not the type who gets angry too often, but I just needed to get it out. Basically, "I hate this, I hate that, but please understand". I know, it's complicated.

Recall

2009-04-19T21:41:00.000+10:00

If I told you about my holidays so far, I would bore you. There's practically nothing to say about it. But for some reason, I'm enjoying it a lot. No, nothing big has happened or is going to happen (not that I know of). But I am getting (some) rest, which is good, and I have a fair amount of free time. Also, I have space to think, which I hope will yield something good on the creative side. But the downside is that I haven't gone outside except for church and (mandatory) shopping. I've been hearing about some proposed events like movies and such, but I haven't been invited to any. Hmph. Also, why is it that guys almost never organise things like that? I would if I had any leverage, cos my parents make things difficult for me to organise anything (they're not particularly flexible). Never mind that. =D

So, uh, anyone else finding it difficult to concentrate on work? I either work well in good company, or complete isolation, and I have neither. I wouldn't usually talk about studying, but perhaps working side by side would be a good idea. Two options, either constant msn/facebook (or phone, if that's how you roll) reminders, or, forbid that i say it, a study group meeting. Now, if you were paying any attention to me earlier, I can't organise one myself, so if anyone is interested and thinks they can organise one, let me know. While I'm on the topic, how is everyone going with assignments?

Anyway, my attention is constantly being diverted by stuff. Like music. Or this blog. Or music. I think I can sense a quote coming on...no, maybe two.

Did you hear about the lonely ones,
Who spend their days hid from the sun,
Where the spotlight never shone?
Where no one's eyes will ever fall or rest upon?
"The Lonely Ones"
EVERMORE
"Truth of the World"

No, just one quote then. I miss you all. The next term will be better than ever. I personally guarantee it.

THE ARCHIVER

Going against status quo makes people ask questions. If you do anything outside what is expected, it doesn't seem right. Why oh why? Do we have to all act the same and do everything the same way? Society can be a conservative bastard. Conservatism is defined as "the negation of ideology". In other words, conservatism is lifeless. No thanks.

DIRECTIVES

Mode 1-40%
Mode 2-Blocked
Mode 3-30%
Mode 4-30%

Ok, I don't know why I bothered with that system again. It's pretty pointless actually. But anyway, you get the gist of it if you've been reading for a while. No, I'm not re-explaining. But anyway, I think I've re-motivated myself while typing this post. I really admire how some people do things effortlessly, and I'm also striving to do so.
----------------

Lastly, I'm about to finish writing a song. Only one though, no more, no less. But it shall be great. Trust me. And whoever I send it to first is very lucky indeed. So that should be something to look forward to, etc. =D

Twas an interesting post, am I getting better at this? XD
Cheers!

Liberation!

2009-04-11T16:50:00.002+10:00

The following text was written on Monday, 06/04/09

As far as I'm concerned, this term is pretty much over. Yeah, at the time I'm writing, we still have two tests and a cross country, but this term has gone so fast I don't think they're too significant in the scheme of things.

IN REVIEW

So what has happened this term? I noticed at the start of the term that most people hadn't changed much over the holidays. Or so others thought. A lot of people I know aren't nearly as enthusiastic as they were last year. Some are a bit depressed, others have devoted their time to die-hard studying. I ask you, what has changed from last year? Most subjects in terms of interesting content are on par with last year (27/01/2010: I take that back. XD), but nobody seems to enjoy it as much. Heck, nobody seems to be enjoying life as much. "Ah, that's right, there's more work and assignments to do." No. It's not because of the increase in work, it's caused by a change in perception. If you think something will be difficult and overwhelming, it will be. Keep that in mind.

Major events through this term were the Welfare Seminar and, of course, Geo Camp. Gee, I really can't remember anything else. Memorable events usually happened in the library in the morning, with the large group conversations. I'm glad that most of the people there don't take things too seriously. Also, Wednesday lunch (as previously mentioned a few weeks ago) is great.

I would hate for anyone to slip into mediocrity or complacency. Everyone is motivated by something, no matter how distant. When you're at you're most motivated you're often at your best. And when you know you're motivated and you're putting your 100% in, you gain confidence. Confidence goes hand in hand with performance. And wouldn't I know, eh? XP
I've noticed insecurities in quite a few of my friends. If you feel badly about yourself, you will only pull yourself down, and others who care about you and rely and depend on you. I'm not pressuring you, I'm encouraging you to push forward. Cheer up. And whatever happens, don't compromise on your personal integrity.

THE ARCHIVER

"Yeah. Think about it."

The clock is ticking. You don't know what could happen. One moment something is there, the next moment it's something else, the cause of something else, or it's gone. Act fast. Things change quickly: circumstances, opportunities, and people. Potential is so often thwarted by lack of action. Make the most of your moments, whether they be academic, recreational, or personal. I know I've missed a lot. The next time you think about whether or not you should do something, think about what you could be missing.

----------------------------

So, it's holidays now, but I'm still quite busy. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one =(.
I'll post something better when I have the time. If you have the time, enjoy your holidays. =D

Daybreak

2009-04-02T22:43:00.004+11:00

"Can't wait for camp, even though we actually have to do work. I wish that we could actually have time to fully appreciate the area rather than have to think about how the hell we're going to complete the booklet. Just for the record, if I fail Geo, i regret nothing!"

So, camp is over. The work booklet wasn't so bad (although it was dreary) and I was actually able to enjoy the scenery without worrying too much. I know everyone has different opinions about this camp, but I personally think it was great. In order of best to worst:

Year 9 Camp (Colo/Practice D of E hike)
Year 8 Camp (apparently, Collaroy)
Year 6 Camp (Canberra)
Year 10 Camp (Jindabyne/Snowy Mountains)
Year 7 Camp (Vision Valley)
Year 5 Camp (Bathurst)

It's not that high up on the list, but I loved almost every moment of it. Things I didn't like were the food, and occasionally, the social science staff, just because some of them seemed grumpy. Am I forgetting something? Ugh, trivia night. XD
Anyway, the things I loved about camp were the lengthy and enjoyable bus conversations. In-jokes only, I'm not going to give details. But even when there wasn't any talking going on, I enjoyed the peace and quiet. Thinking about lots of things as well, being inspired by the location, thinking about possibilities and places to explore. While others of you may have been worrying about the work booklet, I found that it's much easier to completely forget about it and enjoy the ride. While a lot of the scenery was dry, red earth, I still loved the vastness and expansiveness of the land. Thinking about it now, it almost enough to make me cry (yes, that's right), although I have a sneaking suspicion that my tear ducts are blocked.

27/01/2010: Alright, I'll add something to picture. I clearly enjoyed the camp, but I was kind of on the sideline of quite a few social situations. I blame this on being in the window seat on both bus trips (=P). Lunch at Subway was truly great, thanks to the company I kept. Yet at the campsite, I couldn't help but miss the presence of a few friends who had left our group table for another.

At the moment, even I don't get the "enough to make me cry" thing. I'm going to posit that it was memory by association to other events, but maybe not. I can't ALWAYS understand myself.

I feel...reinvigorated. And also very musical. I should be writing a hell of a lot of stuff now. Watch this space, I swear I've almost completed a song, and I might be completing another one.

DIRECTIVES

Mode1-100%
Mode2-Disconnected
Mode3-(15%)
Mode4-(30%)

I'm tossing up my options here. Each mode represents a different facet of my personality. I'm sure that you have absolutely no idea that some of these existed. Mode1 is the obvious, extroverted and completely ridiculous, which you should be familiar with. Mode2 is the introverted, slightly depressed and quiet. Mode3 is a more mature, subdued yet still very sociable. And Mode4 is the romantic and grandiose. They're all in there somewhere. At the moment, in person I am in Mode1, when I haven't been sleeping much or I've been disappointed by something I am in Mode2, when I am writing I am in Mode3, and by night I am in Mode4 I'm having trouble deciding which one I want to let reign. So, expect another reboot by Term 2. If these computer analogies are annoying you, I'm sorry.

27/01/2010: This is the very definition of teenage awkwardness. Why should I compartmentalise myself? Well, I shouldn't. Something I didn't realise at the time.

THE ARCHIVER

The following is a commentary induced by an conversation. I'm sure that the person will be able to tell, so if you're reading, this one's for you.

Well, you say that life is crap. Are you going to do anything about it? If not, it's not going to get better. Tired of life? Well, just don't think about the bad things. It's good to dream. A lot. Dream of the present, the future and all possibilities. But you can't dream if you don't sleep. Think about that, I'll leave that for interpretation. I'm more than happy to provide an explanation if you ask for one.

On another note, if you haven't noticed already, anonymous commenting has been enabled, so you can post a comment without having to fill in your name. Although, I do appreciate it if I know who it is, but the option is there if you need it. Please please please comment.

In closing:

"As I call into this dark and lonely passage, am I getting it through? Bacause all I want to do is get a message from me to you. Peace be the day dawning. Light in the winter I am falling. "Can you hear me?""

-
Can You Hear Me?
EVERMORE
Truth of the World (Welcome to the Show)

Thanks for reading.

Before the day breaks...

2009-03-29T20:24:00.001+11:00

I wish you all...the very best. This camp is what you make of it...so make it a good one. Don't let anything stop this from being the best camp ever. See you all tomorrow.

And by the way...I'm back.

27/01/2010: There it is. The mental prep-up before camp. The assurance that I could make it great. And for the most part, it WAS great. It definitely wasn't of my doing though. By saying I was back, I was saying that I was at my peak, when I really wasn't...

42

2009-03-25T23:35:00.002+11:00

If you are unsatisfied with life, tip the scales. If you think that life is a drag, throw out the scales and live. If you think you've screwed up life, then reset it.

Think of life as a persona. If you hate life, can you expect it to do anything for you? In most cases, no. If you embrace life, you'll get a lot more out of it. Etc.

This is Aaron, coming from the depths below. I will surface very soon.

27/01/2010: Now why do I say I'm coming from the depths below? Well, from memory, I think I was feeling kind of distant from our group, and I wasn't feeling socially 100%. It was leading up to geo camp, so I figured I would try to re-invigorate myself and the group.

NB. There's something hidden in this page...see if you can find it.

27/01/2010: I believe it said "The Second Coming" instead of "Archive" in my blog archive sidebar. Needless to say, I removed it shortly after.

Sum of Parts

2009-03-24T21:11:00.000+11:00

There's something about Wednesdays that just feels different. Something almost magical and surreal. Maybe it's the feeling of freedom within such a tight regime of our school, how time is taken from the busy schedule to actually give us recreational time. It's a day where you can relax (for the most part anyway, if you're doing tae-kwon-do, which can be quite exhausting). Something just clicks. If every day at Baulko was like a Wednesday, then I think we'd all be much happier overall. My friends are awesome, the more time there is to socialise the better. =D
.... So, what's to do with the rest of the week? I have a particularly bad timetable that seems to drag on for ages on most days. I'm not saying it's oppressive or anything, but it does make life a bit dreary. The only interesting teachers I have are Cigana (Commerce/Geo, although geo is boring) and McAlister (Drama). Even so, all these ridiculous, excessive and seemingly pointless assesments make everything so rigid. I will admit that this has made me been very subdued and somewhat uninteresting.

So I have I lost my spark?
Not really, it's just buried somewhere inside me. Although today's commerce lesson seemed to help for some reason. Or maybe because I took a short nap in commerce. XD
Conclusion: sleep is the answer to all my problems. Although, I kinda realised that a while ago.

Until next time, enjoy this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyOKkjmUhYY&feature=related

Cheers!

Dephased

2009-03-21T16:42:00.001+11:00

Now THAT was a mood swing. Looks like I've lost a bit of focus.
I have an very over-active mind. I tend to try and look ahead and gain some sort of insight into things, but recently I've been looking a bit too far ahead. So far ahead, so often and in so many different capacities that I don't even know where the hell I am in life. If there's anything wrong, it's that. My mind plays on insecurities in my head, and they seem to take root as easily as I dream them up. To quote Radiohead (again):
" My thoughts are misguided
And a little naive..." - Myxomatosis (Judge, Jury and Executioner).
Example: I think about what I'm going to say to someone, then I think about what they might say and how they might react, and then I ponder over that before I say something. I used to be spontaneous, and that got me by a hell of a lot better. I try to answer questions I haven't been asked, to accomodate everyone's silent concerns as I perceive them. Do I need to take my time to give an intelligent reply, yes. I feel obliged, I guess. I've become quite uptight as well. At times I am more tightly wound than a spring-load, and it does take a lot to coax me out. If you manage to catch me in a relaxed moment, don't take it for granted. Unless I somehow start being a lot more relaxed. =D

THEMATA

Phase <0 - ?&*#@$@@#$r037B30FN03f-b
Phase 1 - Impact (Year 7)
Phase 2 - At Leisure (Year 8)
Phase 3 - Friendship (Year 9)
Phase 4 - Investment (Year 10)
Phase 5... - Reboot
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Even when we stumble, we move forward.

If you're feeling down and very discontent, I recommend a listen of Radiohead's album 'Kid A'. It works for me. Besides that, its an incredibly subtle but beautiful piece of music.

CREATIVE VISION
I'm writing music around now, basically finishing off a few things that I made a while ago, cos I feel that I have enough of an artistic vision to do something with them. I can say that I have at least 5 compositions in an alt. rock style, and at least two in an ambient acoustic style. They are part of two separate projects with distinctive themes and issues. More on that later.

27/01/2010: I've temporarily stopped working on these to focus on the EP, which will be mostly R&B and alternative pop. But don't you for a second think that I have abandoned these. I have very, very big plans for these projects that you might see unfold over the next few years. Lets just say, the groundwork for two albums. All I need is a stable band (check?) with proper equipment and I'll be set...

Oh yeah, one more thing, I've noticed my view counter has been going up pretty quickly, so I know that some of you have been brave enough to visit =D. I just want to know who is actually reading this, so yeah, just comment on a post or message me on msn or something, I'm curious, that's all.

Cheers!

Chaos/Control, (Perspectivity)

2009-03-20T22:13:00.000+11:00

Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea
I got a message I can't read,
Another message I can't read

Being the first in the Irish Sea,
I got a message I can't read,
Another message I can't read

I'm on your side
Nowhere to hide
Trapdoors that open
I spiral down

You're living in a fantasy world,
You're living in a fantasy world.

I'm lost at sea,
Don't bother me
I've lost my way,
I've lost my way

You're living in a fantasy world,
You're living in a fantasy world,
You're living in a fantasy world...
The most beautiful world

Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea
I got a message I can't read
Another message I can't read

In Limbo - RADIOHEAD

Heck, there's something wrong this year. Something horribly wrong. Nothing in its right place. Somewhere stuck in the middle.

Closing your eyes pierces through reality
The two cannot co-exist, one must be subdued.

CH//aOS
I need time off. I'm pressuring myself and being pressured in all directions. I'm not physically fatigued, but I am mentally fatigued. No time to relax, what do they think we are? As teenagers, when we are at a time when we are most mentally confused (sorry for the generalisation, I'm making this quick), we are also held more responsible. Less time for personal expression and leisure, while we are flooded by work. This education system is seriously messed up. I have my own concerns(this may or may not partially include hormones) to worry about, assholes ! Stupid Board of Studies.

[Control]
Everyone is too serious this year. Seriously, lighten up! For your sake as well as mine. I am directly influenced by whoever is around me, and if I can't find a minute where someone isn't talking about academics, I'll explode. This year has slowly been becoming more dreary and mediocre. Too careful, too measured, too calculated. Hopefully this whole thing will reboot by next term. Until then,
Charging: 1%

This should swing right out in a week or two. Can't wait for camp, even though we actually have to do work. I wish that we could actually have time to fully appreciate the area rather than have to think about how the hell we're going to complete the booklet. Just for the record, if I fail Geo, i regret nothing!

Anyway, that's about it for now. I have a dozen other draft posts that aren't quite going to fit in here, so I'll post them later. In the meantime, have a creepy music video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYnihTlVuzQ&feature=channel_page
Also, I officially invite you to my youtube page. Not that's there's anything that recent on there, but there will be. http://www.youtube.com/user/mediamascot

So anyway, despite all this, you know what, I'm still going to say
Cheers!

In case you didn't know.....

2009-03-18T21:43:00.000+11:00

...this is Aaron. Post your opinions on me anonymously. Please. If you think that I'll know who sent it, make sure to make it more difficult for me to tell by getting more people to comment. Thank you in advance.

Regular blog posts will return soon.
Some will be very emotive, others will be emotionally detached like this one, so don't expect any consistency.

Etc.

Re-post/Insight

2009-03-15T21:10:00.000+11:00

That last post was really, really bad. I usually put a lot of effort in to what I do...that was terrible. So, I'm basically going to elaborate on some of it. That brings me to a point - I'm a self-confessed perfectionist. You know that copious Visual Art diary? Heck, I don't rush in a crap job 10 minutes, I take hours and do it properly. You know that analysis for English homework? You bet I'm going to do it properly. I sacrifice a lot for that, y'know. First I lose sleep. This causes a whole lot of other problems, like fatigue, loss of concentration, loss of social skills (if I'm just standing and not saying much, that's why), loss of co-ordination. It's also a vicious circle, as the less sleep I get, the worse these problems get, the harder it is for me to think properly, and the longer I stay up to do simple tasks. I hold high standards, and I suffer for it where they are imposed in my life.

So I have an excuse for my flaws. Ironically, I have to drop my standards to fix them. For the sake of other more important things in life, I think I'll do that. Life is made to be embraced, and you bet I'm going to do it properly. =D

We don’t need to find the cause of the problem

We need to escape

But the tunnels underneath the city are Flooded.

Leaving us to make our own course.

I am aware that I just partially contradicted myself. =D
Nonetheless, thanks for reading, and have a safe journey. ^_^

----------------
Now playing: Radiohead - Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
via FoxyTunes

2009-03-15T16:55:00.001+11:00

And now, for an obligatory blog post.

This week has been strangely tiring. I don't know why, it's not like I had much homework to do. I lose way too much sleep. If I'm not making any sense at all, you can almost guarantee that I haven't been sleeping much.

Anyway, if you've seen some of my status updates on Facebook, you'll probably be wondering about the occasional "charging" that I mention. Well, if you think I'm going to explain it here, you're half right. If you watch this space closely enough, you might be able to spot something that vaguely hints at an explanation. It is not something that I can express very well, maybe that has something to do with the previous paragraph.

27/01/2010: Did I ever explain this? No, I didn't. The whole charging thing represented my readiness to face the world and everything I do with confidence. It was very much closely related to how much I slept. At 100%, I figured everything could be just how I wanted it to be. That I wouldn't be awkward or clumsy, say something stupid or screw things up. It never happened. Perhaps, at the time, it wasn't in my reach, but it's looking closer than ever.

So, the World's Greatest Shave was on Friday at Baulko. Initially, I was going to shave my moustache, but (if you haven't heard already) in the spur of the moment, I shaved my head as well. How about that? I like surprising people like that. It keeps life interesting.

Trust me, the next post will be better and more cohesive.

I have a blog now.

2009-03-10T22:24:00.001+11:00

There will be a real post soon...